Updated:Version 32.0

IMG_20180106_164454_282Emotions that I have had to deal with this past week just seem to surprise me. I am 32 years old today, 32 do you believe it? I don’t.

My birthday week is always filled with lots of fun stuff but this time it is different, more subtle or even selfish. Last year at this exact time, I was jobless but sure of myself. Alone but happy, asleep but unsettled, this year has me feeling like it’s time to write again.
So here goes nothing, I am winging it this year, borrowing a lot of wisdom from those who have walked this street before me.
1. “Let go of what does not serve you” is a motto to live by. Relationships, careers, habits, ideas, etc. As hard as it is to let go, there’s something better waiting, and you’ll never find it if you don’t let go of what’s holding you back.

2. Judgement is an inner reflection. People that judge you are really just judging themselves. Same goes for you, too. If you’re judging someone, look inwards.

3. Your real friends know everything about you and still love you. And most importantly, they love you and want you to live an amazing, abundant life.

4. Karma is real. Treat people well. It will always come back to you.

5. Relationships are a wild ride. And so, so worth it if you’re with the right person so or absolutely fucked up if you meet the wrong one.

5b. I am currently having the time of my life getting to know you stranger.

6. Women turn into their mothers and men turn into their fathers. It’s just true. (In my case I think this is a 60-percent good thing — love you, Mom!)

7. Ladies you are just as responsible as he is of the outcome of your encounters. I find some of the millennials I meet so sexually aware than I was at their age but very reckless while at it.

8. We all believe in something so put some respeck I whatever your neighbors believe.*Didn’t misspell respect.

9. Surround yourself with people who love you and want you to be happy. Not the ones that are miserable and want you to be miserable.

10. Fear must be conquered. You’ll always be afraid of something, so you might as well get over it and move onto the next thing. You are not “loose”, just call him up, it’s either a hit or miss.

11. Phenomenal business aren’t built on ideas and visions. They’re built on action and good old-fashion hard work. Don’t get me wrong, stellar ideas and visions are important, but lots of people have them. Executing them is the challenge.

12. The differences in people’s thoughts, opinions and ideas is what drives innovation and makes the world go round.

13. Competition drives the market, plain and simple. Embrace it. The world is abundant and there is enough to go around.

14. Don’t “what-if” yourself to death. Our minds can make up stories and “what-if” us into never taking action. Give your choices careful consideration, but let life play itself out. If something doesn’t work out, who cares? At least you tried.

15. Money truly does not buy happiness, but it can make your life a little more comfortable.

16. Wealth is dependent on the point of view of the person that has it.

17. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make a great income and have nice things. There is something wrong with not being grateful for what you have and the luxuries you can afford. Be grateful. Did I mention humility? Be humble, bitch please, sit down.

18. Men and women think differently. Learning to communicate in the opposite sex’s language is essential for relationship success. It goes both ways.

19. Family time should be cherished and held near and dear to my heart.

20. Good manners are one of your best assets.

20b. It’s rude to accept calls, texts or let passers-by interrupt and/or intrude on your conversation. More human contact.

21. World travel is amazing and necessary, but there really is no place like home.

22. Pets make people happier — it’s scientifically proven.

23. Women and men are equal but different beings. I can be traditional and a feminist at the same time.

24. Success isn’t age dependent. We can learn from people of all ages. Don’t discredit people that you might think are too young or too old to “get” you.

25. Living in gratitude for the things you already have is the first step to happiness. This goes for physical, spiritual and relationship matters.

26. Catty women have deep issues. Don’t let their misery bring you down. Bless and release them.

27. Education goes so far beyond academia. Find topics you’re passionate about and immerse yourself in them. Never stop learning.

28. Know your strengths and weaknesses. I’m very athletic, working out is very important especially if I have to keep looking 16.

29. Women get better in their 30s (and beyond) and I would know. Have you met me? *Humility *I’m going to make 29 an exceptional year and send off my 20s in happiness and health.

And the latest and greatest…

30. Relationships translate to connection and connection is the meaning of life.

Not to get too deep on you, but I really think I’ve found the meaning of life (drops the mic, exits stage left). Your happiness equates in direct proportion to the health of your relationships. Work on them constantly.

31. It’s actually possible to turn your big dreams into actionable goals and create the life you want on your own terms.

We really do get exactly what we ask (God and the universe) for. It might just come in a different form than expected. Embrace all of it. When life doesn’t go your way, take a step back and ask, “Is this even better?” It probably is.

32. I feel younger in spirit at 32 than I did at 25, which is really freaking exciting.

“Hmm,” I thought. “Maybe it’s confidence. Yes, confidence is a big piece of it. Maybe it’s just more life experience and learning not to take things so seriously. Or realizing that there is still so much life to live. Or feeling established. Or having great relationships that have had time to grow. I’m not exactly sure. I just feel it and it’s AWESOME.”

It makes me laugh. I felt so adult in my mid 20s, which I’m grateful for because I’m sure it propelled me to where I am today. But at 32, I can wholeheartedly say I feel much freer and younger in mind, body and spirit.

I hope this post made you think, smile, and remember all of the things you’d like to tell yourself on your birthday. Elizabeth Rider, you made this super appealing so I borrowed a lot. Many thanks.


Dear Jayden


I have written many a letter to you my beloved and this year is no exception. This year is extra special because you get to eventually  read my letters, ask questions hoping for answers my love. It has been a tough year but God has held our hands through it as we went under and emerged at the end of yet another year.

Eight years ago today I walked out of hospital scared but wearing my brave face as i have always done over the years. I didn’t know what life had in store for us but I was willing to risk it all because you my child was one resilient little boy. You have fought hard,smart and well my baby for I am so proud to be your Mother.

God knew I needed you in my life for without you I would be completely lost. I cant speak for your father but when the time is right for both of you,you will talk. You are an old soul,I keep saying that from holding my hands,sending me the cutest encouraging texts,to hugs and conversations around my day ,job and life in general,you my baby are the best.

I could go on and probably loose track of what  I want to say but this is to wish you a Happy 8th Birthday Ja Gem Wagai, I love you like my life depends on it.


I’ll tell you all about it when i see you again

It’s been a long while since I put anything to writing and as a good friend reminded me yesterday, grief, sorrow and or pain brings out the best in my work. Wiz Khalifa & Charlie Puth put it so well,

 “sunset-heartIt’s been a long day without you, my friend
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again
We’ve come a long way from where we began
Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again”

“How does it feel like to lose a loved one”, he said. It took over 3 weeks for me to respond and here is what I think.

You lose a loved one to either death or life. Death is self-explanatory while life, well it simply means they are no longer in your life for reasons you don’t want to get into.

I recently lost my Nana, and what I experienced was like no other. I have lost a father so am not new to loosing loved ones but this one got me warped. She was immortal in my eyes simply because all my life she was ailing. In her ill health she was stronger than me in so many ways, her hugs so tight and snug, and her advice so candid and from a genuine place, her love unique to every single person she encountered but what stood out was her faith and love for white clothes. She prayed for every single child, grandchild, great grandchild she had and I felt like her prayers got there faster than mine ever did. She sang her heart out at every chance while reading the bible every few minutes she’d pause to adjust her glasses and remind you that she was going blind in one eye.

The last time I properly visited her, she asked if I prayed every day and as always I couldn’t lie so I told her I tried. She prayed that I find a husband like hers because her daughters hadn’t been lucky to have had their husbands long enough for us to pick the qualities we would like in our husbands. Nonetheless she said with God you can’t go wrong my co-wife.

On 21st July at exactly 5. 15pm my mother called me and I knew what she was about to say. My Nana had been in hospital so I was waiting for news. I remember her telling me Nana was no more and that I should be strong. My heart sank, and what followed was the worst pain I ever felt. Please note: I have a son so labour pains are not something new to me. This was worse, I couldn’t breathe and everything around me was collapsing FAST. I hadn’t left the office, so I picked my bag and left. Almost 30 minutes later a call came through from my cousin asking if I had left the office, this saved my life. I had wondered past the bus stop and was walking around in a strange neighborhood. I still choke when I remember this day.

So how does it feel you ask? You die a little inside and the world moves on like my Nana never existed or died. You question God and his actions not forgetting purpose in your life. All the fights, the laughter, the love and tears come flashing by. For a split second life doesn’t matter and you’d rather die so that you can get chance to see them again. You blame the doctors who attended to her and find fault in their work. You blame yourself for not calling her more or visiting more. You bribe God with all that you have to bring her back for a spilt second. You accept she lived a beautiful life and that she deserves the rest. You swear it’s a bad dream and if you wake up you will never sleep again. You sit on her bedroom floor waiting for her to walk in and scold you for sitting on the cold floor. You smell hot cocoa and swear she was just in the kitchen a few minutes ago. You stare at the heap of soil beside Grandpa’s grave and know for sure that she is finally reunited with her long lost boyfriend. You walk away swearing you have no reason to come back to this home then you remember, she insisted that you visit even in death. If that doesn’t explain how it feels to lose a loved one, then hang in there  for part 2 of this piece.


princess_and_the_frog_the_2009_4732_posterI have kissed a lot of frogs in my pursuit of my handsome prince and today in memory of a man I thought was just the best even at his worst I write the tale of the frogs. Borrowed a leaf from my fellow blogger @DebWasHere and penned my heart out!!!

NK:-High School was an amazing time for me, I found love or so I thought. NK was a shy boy with a beautiful smile and sweaty palms who got me to appreciate the finer things in life. He introduced me to flowers, chocolate and love notes written by everyone else but him, he claimed ugly handwriting. Oh how I loved this boy, long walks in the evening, chats into the night on my front porch and bicycle rides in the sunset were mine for 5 good years. I cleared high school and shit hit the fan, allegations came flying that he was cheating and I was just joining campus so we parted ways, though he claims I broke his heart because he wasn’t in campus yet. The jury is still out on that.

AO:-First year of Law School was scary I heard rumors of 4th years making way with young naïve girls and leaving them heart broken or worse so I was very cautious. But I couldn’t resist AO, handsome Jaluo boy who I had a major crush on as the saying goes when you crush on something you get hurt. I did get hurt because he never noticed me at least not when I wanted him to. (Men are rocket science to me).

KM:-The pain didn’t last for I was swept off my feet yet again by another tall dark and handsome glass of milk. A man with a humble background, God fearing man who treated me like princess, boy could this man cook, he is known in my circles as my husband that never was. We dated for nearly a year then my milk went sour when his past came knocking on my door at weird hours of the night.Boy didn’t this woman rock our boat; she tormented the hell out of me, till I retaliated. Truth is I got into a fight with her over KM, having an ego as big as mine; I called the guy and broke up with him before running off with yet another man.*Please Don’t Judge Me*

JS:-Kitale town, Valentine’s Day, date withheld, you may guess where this is going. I am in the arms of my new catch, days after my breakup and it was wonderful. Wine down my throat in a noisy pub with my new love JS, a gentleman unknown to most because he hated school. Only showed up when necessary by this I mean even some exams didn’t get him all worked up and ready to commit to this course called school. Great listener and great Conversationist, is that even a word but he was. I broke up with him when I realized that I was taking him for a ride, I liked him and felt like wasn’t what he deserved, he needed love. I broke up with him through email, so before you shoot me, it felt better than lying to him. I am forever sorry about that, it was stupid and reckless on my part.

AJ:-Crawled for a while then I met someone else, Oh this man made me trip. Sportsman of the year, had an infectious laugh, traveled every weekend to come see me and when he couldn’t come I traveled to watch him play. Brother got me committed to soccer and rugby,for that am forever indebted.I had finally settled on this guy then I was ordered to stop seeing him. It hurt like crazy but truth be told I would have ended my kissing escapades with this one. AJ, though not here to read this, you were an amazing man, God knows you didn’t deserve what you got but still took it with a smile.

PF:-Nakumatt Kisumu set stage for the next frog in my life. PF, boy was he a charmer. Few months into our relationship I sensed trouble but you all know trouble comes with excitement, I took the ride, long story short,5 years later and a beautiful son in tow the straw broke the camel’s back and my frog metamorphosed into a toad and hopped away. I was left broken with a baby in tow with no one to blame but my feeble heart and adventurous ways. It was a beautiful adventure that saw us slay dragons, go over hills and travel valleys unknown to an ordinary Geographer. I loved and lost.

PM:-It took me 3 years to admit I liked PM, patient man this one, wicked sense of humor and disagrees with me on everything cause he claims I like arguing and he loves listening to me argue. I don’t know if he will be my prince but am yet to kiss him to find out. I believe in love, always have and always will. My mom says I deserve a man who will treat me good and tolerate my big mouth (with love) and I know beyond reasonable doubt that I will meet my prince.

Until then, let the kissing continue. I may just kiss the frog that will turn out to be my handsome prince. Happy Kissing ladies…..#EveryGirlsFairyTale


30 things before 30

I turn 30 in about 48 hours,i have had this list for a while thanks to all the magazines that i read but i got to look at it again and all i can say is.me…THANK GOD AM THIRTY!!!!!!Make a list,follow the list or not but have fun growing older,live stop existing,regret nothing for you got now,no guarantees on tomorrow.HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME and thank you for reading…..#BirthdayLoading….


Its reads more than just romantic, it spells adventure. I hate travelling by boat, a bit superstitious I am. My great grandmother drowned and so did my uncle and aunt as children so this is indeed something I would love to try. It’s on the top of my things to do before I turn 30 list and it’s one of the dreams I hope to accomplish, but even if I don’t make it there by 30 I know that someday I will.


Right now am are working at a job that just pays the bills or am are working my  way up the ladder to get to where I’ve always wanted to be. But sometimes it just feels like I will never get to work at my dream job and I have high hopes to do it before I turn 30. Push myself, be inspired, go back to school if I need to, and believe that I will get there. I are never too late to dream, change my life, or learn new skills to start working at my dream career. It may take time, long hours of studying through the night, and be stressful at times, but when I have finally reached my goal the feeling will be amazing!


I donate to charity, I volunteer at local events, I however don’t give blood (they always seem to have the wrong needle size-thin/small veins), but I’ve always wanted to volunteer for a cause that is close to my heart (teenage destitute mothers). It can take time to raise money for a walk, or to ask friends or neighbors to help out with my cause, but don’t let that hold I back. Shilling by shilling, donation after donation, I will get there. Sometimes it’s the excuses that hold us back the most, but when it’s one of the things I want to do before I turn 30, I know I have to start setting my goals to actually get things done and crossed off my to-do list.

  1. VISIT ALL 47 counties BEFORE I TURN 30…

I’ve traveled to a few other counties besides the one I live in but I’ve always dreamed that before I turned 30 I would have visited all 47 counties. There are so many things to see across the country like national monuments, beaches, plantations (hope they still exist, primary school GHC matatas) and even castles(I know so British). I don’t have to see all of the counties in one trip but I hope at some point I will get the chance to see every county.


So I might not live in the Kenya (exist), but I’ve been dreaming of taking a big road trip before I turn 30. I’ve wanted to see the country side of Rwanda (sober) or Namibian Desert and just enjoy the harsh desert heat (assumptions), and my twende twende partner in crime at her best! Pack for days, bring my favorite tunes and sunglasses, and get ready to stop at random places and find hidden spots along the way that I’ve never heard of before. Make this the road trip of a lifetime!


At this point in my life I may feel like I need to go on a journey to find myself, make changes in my life, or discover what life is really all about. Traveling solo is a great experience and something I might want to do before I turn 30. After 30 I have so many things planned like starting a family(did that already, had Jay), going back to school, or starting a new career, so before I make big life changes traveling by myself to see places I’ve never been to before will be an experience that will benefit myself and others.


I hear about so many people who have the opportunity to travel the world and think, “Wow I’ve never been out of Kenya!” I might not get the chance to visit Paris or Italy before 30, but I would like to get a Visa and maybe go to India or the Caribbean before I turn 30. It’s a good thing just to have a passport even if I don’t get the chance to travel outside of the country before I turn 30, who knows I might just want to pick up and get on a plane!

  1. FALL IN LOVE and get married BEFORE I TURN 30…

When I was younger I wasn’t sure where my love life would take me, but I always dreamed of getting married or falling in love before I turned 30. Why 30…who knows! Some of us set an age for ourselves for things we would like to do and accomplish, but even if I reach that age and I haven’t found love yet (or maybe I have), doesn’t mean I won’t find love at 40, 50, 60, or older. For those who haven’t fallen in love, let yourself fall and don’t hold back your happily ever after awaits.


I  been renting since I moved out of my parent’s house and have always wanted a home to call my own before I turned 30. Owning my own home means that I can paint the walls, remodel the bathroom, add on a gazebo like place for the perfect nyam choms, and have enough space to plan a dinner party. After owning my own home I will feel like everything else like planning a family, gathering for holidays, and making traditions will fall into place. NOTE: Not too sure how this dream falls into place right now.


It’s never too late to start planning a family, but 30 can be a turning point for knowing whether you still want to have a baby or if you are happy with the family you have already created. Having a baby is a big life change and may put other things I want to do before I turn 30 or even after on hold. But if I are planning to extend my family having my first baby sometime before 30 may be a good idea so I can plan to have my second child four or five years later…NOTE: Baby just joined Class One.


Tattoos may not be for everyone, but if I am considering getting a tattoo it is one of those things I want to do before I turn 30! You are never too old to get a tattoo, but sometimes after I turn 30 there are some things I just cross off my list and think it’s not for me anymore. So before I turn 30 and start changing my mind let me go out and get a tattoo!


I love getting to know other women who are moms, business owners, just people at different stages of life, etc. on social media and would love to someday meet them all in person(not all of them though). Since I have always wanted to travel more this would be a great way to cross two items off my list of things to do before I turn 30! Meeting other women who inspire me or share the same interest as I can be empowering and help move me in the right direction.


In my twenties I had more of a care free attitude about my health so I drunk, ate junk food and didn’t really pay attention to eating fruits, vegetables, and drinking more water and less wine. But as I get older I realize that perhaps one of the most important things I should do before I turn 30 is live a healthier, fit life. This doesn’t mean I have to be at the gym every day, but I should exercise and eat less late night snacks so that when I have more children or travel the world I will be up for the challenge!


I am probably not so wise about how I spend my money and usually only shop when there are sales or when I really need something. But I’ve always wanted that Huge Tote handbag that would look great with everything or a pair of those fabulous Christian Louboutin red bottomed heels. So why not treat myself before I turn 30 with that great investment piece that will look great when I go traveling or to that job interview that I have high hopes for!


There are quotes and scenes from classic books like The Great Gatsby, Favourite African Folktales, Conversations with myself by Nelson Mandela, The Color Purple and many more that people tend to mention in conversation as I become a sophisticated adult and leave the life of a young adult behind. Reading these classics before I turn 30 will keep me in the know at parties and gatherings I might attend as I get older and I won’t feel left out.


Classic movies are right along the lines of classic novels, people love to joke, quote, and talk about big scenes and one liners from movies like “Casablanca”, “Gone with the Wind”, “Bonnie and Clyde”, and many more. I hate when people mention these movies and I haven’t seen them or they think I’m “too young” to understand, which is why watching classic movies is on my list of things to do before I turn 30!


Concerts can get pretty crazy and if my favorite band Sauti Sol isn’t one that plays at local events, I may want to see them at the big arena before I turn 30 so I can get wild and crazy just like the rest of the fans! This is also a fun thing to do before I turn 30 because after this amazing experience I’ll want to continue to check out other bands and singers for many birthdays to come! That’s before my son is old enough to give an opinion on my kind of music.


As I get older so do the ones I love like my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. so before I turn 30 I should make a family tradition that everyone will enjoy together. Start a tradition with my family before I turn 30 and I will have many more years with them around to go camping, swimming at the beach, or just enjoying good nyam chom together every year on some random date!


It can be difficult to forgive someone who has treated me horribly, cheated on me, stole from me, or wasn’t there for me when I needed them most. But it can be even more difficult to live with hatred in our hearts as we get older. Life can change in a matter of seconds and we really shouldn’t take anything or anyone for granted. I don’t have to like this person again, but one thing to do before I turn 30 to clear my heart and soul is forgive someone who has wronged me.


I’m not just talking about any old dinner party, I’m talking about a big house party where I can let loose, dance all night, dress up in theme, relax, and not have a care in the #world! After I turn 30 life seems to start feeling more serious; I settle down, I think about having kids(meh), and some things I wanted to do before I turned 30 aren’t things I want to do any more. Let’s not forget, after a big house party there is always a big house to clean up!


We have finished school, we’re done training for our job, but we still want to learn something new because our minds are always busy and filled with wonder. Learning a new DIY craft before I turn 30 can be a wonderful experience for me to pass down and to enjoy with my friends, family, and children. I learnt how to make loom bands from my cousin Naama, it is totally relaxing, though I need a new DIY craft.


Safety first! I’ve only been on a motorcycle, but it is a thrilling experience.. Though it may be a little scary at first, my mind starts to feel free as I am one with the road and nothing else seems to matter at the moment! So Nancy Abira, looks like am borrowing your ride real soon.


Fishing may be out of my comfort zone but this is why I should go for it! Push myself to hook a worm, catch a big fish, hold it in my hands, and set it free or cook it up for dinner! Some of the things we should do before we turn 30 is cross off activities that “only boys” do like fishing, changing a tire(am totally that girl), fixing a car, playing on the football team, and even going hunting,(though that’s illegal nowadays but that was something)!


Be adventurous and open my mind to more exotic foods like octopus, caviar, kimchee (who eats Korean food?), or anything that is on the list of foods I may have not tried before. As I get older I will probably meet more culturally savvy people who have been to other countries and tried foods from around the world and it will be nice to join the conversation and say that I have tried something too!


Happy 6th Birthday,My little Oreo

Today is your 6th birthday. I have a six-year-old. I can’t possibly be that old can I? (Mummy is still 20).When I look at you … I don’t always see a super tallIMG_20151110_103318[1] six-year-old boy. Sometimes I see you in your past ages as well. I see you as a newborn, struggling to feed and mummy winching in pain. Then I see a little toddler looking up at his dad as they sing along to Justin Beiber (Baby). I see a pint sized version of his daddy running around the supermarket looking for M &M’s. And then I see a handsome Kindergartner, putting his books, diary in his backpack, tying his shoes, and grabbing his sweater before heading out the door to school.

At your Kindergarten graduation I cried the whole time because I wished it to be different but it was perfect. You were your cheery self encouraging me when you caught my sniffles, (my super hero).

It’s so hard to put Love into words. Especially a Mother’s love for her son. As much as I try to raise you my boy … my boy ends up raising me as well. I see my window of influence closing and before too long, it will be time for you to stand strong and make your own footprints in this world. I’ve been preparing myself for that moment since the first day you took your first steps, and looked back to see if I would catch you. It seems as if it was a symbol in our relationship. It was your first steps towards independence. But that mommy will always be there to catch you when you fall. I’ll never fail you in that promise.

You have taught me SO many things, JAY. I have learned the sounds of a tender beating heart when you were willing to give up some things because mommy didn’t have the money to buy them.

I’ve witnessed your joy in every moment around you. Because of this joy … you attract friends wherever you go. You are a loyal friend and quick to forgive. Stay this way and you’ll never be lonely.
You have taught me courage. You aren’t afraid to throw yourself out there. You take risks and you don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something.

I love you so much, JAY. You are the son I always dreamed of having. It makes my heart happy to watch you find your voice and be a leader. This will serve you well in life.

My advice for you as we celebrate your 6th birthday…
Faith’s journey should be daily. It is vital to see and make good moral choices. The choices you make will bring you closer to God or further from Him. They will either lead you down the path of a peaceful heart, or a troubled one. The choices you make are never secret as God is always with you.
If you make your decisions wisely, you’ll be able to live without regret. Lasting happiness is not about possessions and materials but more about the results of living your values – even though they may be difficult.

Your Dad and I may have made a few decisions that you would probably not approve but in all I hope you will learn to forgive us both in equal measure. I have tried to answer all your questions as well as I can and in some cases I have withheld information for the sake of your little heart, so with time you will encounter some doses of the truth never shared, as I know you don’t forget to seek clarification. (A bit heavy)

God has blessed you with good looks, a good mind, an old soul, and a sweet heart. Keep going on your journey son. Continue to make your Nyanya, Arch, Daddy and me happy.

I am always in your corner, JAY. I’m the loudest cheerleader, the proudest mom, and the one who is always crying over how blessed she knows she is.

I’m the one giving myself an internal high five. I’m nostalgic. I’m just so proud to be your mother!

Happy 6th birthday, Jayden Apollo Hakeem Miller aka Young Miller aka Oreo.